On the topic of Crucifixion and Resurrection: On the topic of Crucifixion and Resurrection: I’ve killed people and been killed. We all have. We’ve returned from the dead in our nervous systems and in our souls in joy and ecstasy too. We’ve saved people’s lives from the love in our hearts and been saved by the loving hand of another.
Most don’t remember, but some do. Even if you don’t believe in past lives, and I don’t suggest you do unless you experience it directly, the deeds of your ancestors still live on in your DNA, in your cellular memory, as proven by the science of epigenetics. On a momentary basis, we kill parts of our nervous system and bring them back to life. I see it every day. We choose not to feel and shut it down and we presence with what IS and allow feeling to return us to our aliveness. Our choice lies in how we react to our aliveness. But if you choose not to feel you will, for sure, suffer. And if we choose to only hang out in the light and close our eyes to the rest, we surely will leave parts of ourselves and our loved ones lost in the darkness. And if we can’t face our collective darkness we in no way will be able to see the light and bliss that lies beyond anything you can imagine. If we can’t hang with the intensity of life, we have to shut it down. But if we can, we get to feel way more alive. I’m glad to say I’m over the robotic, form-worshipping phase of my life.
Do you have any idea how many people cry in my arms every week? “I”m sorry,” they say. I say, “You’re beautiful. You’re not hiding and I see your light.” I can do it authentically because I can be with those parts of myself. And people that love me hold me. God holds me. And then miracles happen. And then beauty and grace beyond words arrives. Then the kind of freedom you can’t even dream of arrives! Pure light!
Yesterday I spoke in the language of light, filled with Spirit, exclaiming in the most immense joy, “We are FREE!!!”… tears of joy, surges of energy, limitless freedom and peace- the new norm. Every day for a month now I want to show people what’s possible.. share the bliss, the liberation. Suffering is not necessary. Remembering.. I’m grabbing hands to help wake others up with me. Weeks of bliss..union with the Source of all that Is. I can’t remember suffering or how I ever got seduced into it by my mind, by a forgetting of my esssence. BUT.. Yesterday I remembered killing (past life, 1912) many people, in war. It was complicated. I had a lot of power and control, which felt good, and things aren’t exactly cut-and-dry in a time of war. I sobbed when I remembered. I begged for forgiveness for the souls I harmed. It seemed like there hadn’t been much else I could do. I swore, when I remembered, through tears, that I would NEVER let another innocent soul be harmed. That I would do everything in my power to fight for the light, to make up for it. I planned for how to do this, not caring what anyone thought of me as long as I was fighting for love. Even if it meant me dying fighting for what’s right, I swore I’d do my best.
While I was at it, I released the memories of rape from my body, allowing my life force to re-enter. Of years wandering around unseen, unloved. Of giving myself away. My fist was clenched as I felt immense soul love for the boyfriend I wanted to protect from the priest that raped his young self repeatedly. I swore I would fight for his light. But I was limited..I couldn’t save him. I wasn’t strong enough, healed enough even though I wanted to be.
I melted it all with presence, finally meeting it. Not looking away, staying with a soft touch, gasping in agony and then relief, then peace. Softness. Being. Over and over again. I see everything. I am with it all. Grace and falling..
And then, ten minutes later, tears dried, I got a text and became angry with an ex who wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted him gone from my life. It’s a day later, now. I woke up with a sinus infection on the right (masculine) side of my face and, no surprise, Louise Hay says that means irritation with one person, someone close to you. I may be a healer, but if I’d try to convince you that I’m not still human like you, I’d be doing all of us a disservice.
I sit. For hours. I feel it all. I listen to all of our little kids inside trying to defend. It moves through. The sinus infection disappears. I’m soft & open again, have felt all the feelings to the Other Side. Even the darkest emotions, when felt all the way through, bring us to the light. All that has happened, all I’ve done and all that’s been done to me- I hold it softly. I see it all, remembering what’s true. I see that we hold each other down when we want to control, when we feel like we can’t be with something. We belittle or look down on or close off from or try to tell someone how to be.
All of this harm is rooted in the mind. Never from the softness of Being. I see how we help each other up when we love and forgive. And we lose it when our mind fears we aren’t safe, and grabs for control. Oceans and oceans of depth and resource become lost. Float away. And we Bind. We Cling. We hold on.. and all energy stops moving. We freeze time and space. For moments or days.. or even lifetimes, sometimes. Decades. And then one day we get squeezed enough, pinched off enough to want our life force back. Then we have to unfreeze what we had quarantined. We have to Let Go. We have to let go of being bad, not good enough, a victim. And we have to let go of Other being bad, repulsive, a perpetrator.
These patterns, this karma, impinge on our free will. When we go unconscious, it’s because our systems don’t think they can handle what’s happening. In a scared nervous system, we lose our presence and our choice. We react. And no matter how much we want to control another’s influence over us, we can’t.. we will, as long as we live, be pushing on each other, back and forth, like molecules in steam, rapidly touching, shaping, bending, surrendering, pushing. But we can be with it all. Allow it. We have no other choice. We can isolate, but then we separate from and abandon the darkness. And then it takes control. We’ve given our power away by refusing right relationship. A refusal to care for.
Our governments have built walls around us to protect us from death, from loss, from control and have taken so much of our essence, our aliveness, our humanness, in the meantime. Our choice. But still, they cannot save us from loss, from suffering, from death. We are not being truly protected, whatsoever. Not as long as we are being tricked into believing in our powerlessness or mediocracy. I want my power back from the collective shadow and I’ve taken back my power to live with other (myself) knowing that we are divine beings and loved by an almighty loving god and a multitude of light beings that are here to help us and work through us and to help us Remember the Truth.
Ultimately, we cannot control another’s influence over us until we realize: that person, their attributes, their most pious angel and darkest demon, lives inside of us as well. If you deny that the light or shadow of another is not within you, well, i can assure you that you are only good at hiding it from yourself. You are not the Good Girl you hide behind and are not the Bad Boy you try to hide from us either. We all contain within us the seed of of the most awesome, holy, bursting-with-tears-of-joy kind of grace and beauty- and we all contain within us the darkest of shadows that when, tortured in a corner for long enough will lash out in revenge. It all arises with the ingredients, circumstances, and conditions we are given in any moment. Those assassinating dozens have not done so because they were given love and mirroring and tenderness. They were not seen in their Light or wholeness. And as they could not see their light, their darkness took over, until, maybe.. one day someone would love them. Or not. You have those parts in you. I do too. If all goodness was taken from you, you’d be surprised what you could do, who you could become. If someone tried to hurt your child, you would do anything you could to stop them. And so this is why, we must hold this part in all of us. What lies within “him” (other) also lies within you. And her light, the one you aspire to attain, the one you long to have for yourself.. it is within you. I’ve seen the most beautiful light, completely liberated, completely free and divine in so many people. Just hold it. Hold it all. We have to see all that is here within us and within the other, with the heart, not the mind, to understand. We’re just here… Let us Be. Together. Alive, wild, ridiculous, beautiful.
There is something peacefully sobering about looking at a world that is structured on control and separateness with completely kind contact, fullness of presence, divine mirroring for the parts that are confused. We become free. We are not scared of our shadows, or the shadows of others. We are spacious enough to hold all of humanity and all that we are as humans. I felt the part of me that was completely free and awake and with God for a month, I channeled angels for days and now.. I see that oh-so-avoidable darkness that also lies within. I have no choice but to hold them all, and know that they are all part of the divine. I know that it’s my job to love the darkest corners until they transform into Light. High priestess alchemy.
We are all One. We cannot try to separate and still feel whole. We cannot isolate what “he does, she does” from ourselves. All of this is arising to be held. And then.. it will not have to “react to.” Our duty is to protect ourselves and all of those around us by staying with, breathing with, knowing with. Whatever it is. We are not alone and we cannot allow others to be alone. I pray that we hold all that we are in soft and open presence, not afraid to touch parts of ourselves or another as though they were sacred. We are all in this together. If we’re not, none of us will win. We are not free until all of us are FREE. We can plug into Source, which holds our oneness in a matrix of truth. In this we are all held and uplifted. But if I separate from myself, I separate from you & from source. If i separate from you, I separate from myself and from God. And if I separate from God, I separate us both from our divinity, which is the greatest loss.. the loss of our goodness, our essence, our perfection, our preciousness, our oneness. So, I try not to hide from me or you anymore. There’s no power in that.
The last month I have felt more freedom, more bliss, than I’ve ever felt, with almost NO suffering. I let go of my negative stories, the attachments to wounds of my past- anything that wasn’t of Truth, moment-to-moment. I’m so happy because I’ve let Source move through me- I’ve given up my own agendas and let go. And the power and love and light coming through me is unrecognizable. I gave my life to Oneness. And I guess I still am, with a little wobble:) I’ve moved back to believing in my connection to God more than the voices of my suffering. I let go. And then I gain everything I’ve ever wanted that I didn’t know was possible.
I thank God for my lessons, for the opportunity to find Home again, in love.
This, below, is a picture of our original nervous system.
Perfect, like a true prayer. The breath of God breathes us all.